Diet and Exercise
Here are some thoughts on Diet and Exercise to "lighten" your day.
New Pasta Diet
Very Simple!
Just walk pasta bakery without stopping.
Walk pasta candy store without stopping.
Walk pasta ice cream shop without stopping.
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Question:
How much Healthy Choice ice cream
can
one eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
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Proverb:
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
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Helpful Hint:
I gave up jogging for my health
when
my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
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Observation:
It's amazing! You hang
something
in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
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It's a Wonder!
One of life's mysteries is how a 2
pound
box of candy can make a woman gain 5 pounds.
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Trivia:
A Reason to smile: Every seven
minutes
of every day, someone, somewhere, in an aerobics class pulls a
hamstring.
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Lament:
Skinny people irritate me!
Especially
when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to
eat."
Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my
keys.
But I've never forgotten to eat.
You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
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Pain/Gain?
They keep telling us to get in
touch
with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard
from
it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six
o'clock
class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen
witch...do
it and die!"
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Remember:
Stressed spelled backwards is DESSERTS
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Stress Diet
Breakfast
1⁄2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. Skim milk
Lunch
4 oz. Lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed zucchini
1 Oreo cookie
Herb tea
Mid-afternoon Snack
Rest of the package of Oreos
1 quart Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge
Dinner
2 loaves garlic bread
Large pepperoni and mushroom pizza
1 large pitcher of beer
3 Milky Way candy bars
Entire frozen cheesecake
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Random Thoughts On Exercising
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy
breathing
again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't
lost a pound. Apparently the gimmick is you have to show up.
I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm
doing.
I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he
would have put them further up our body.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy
me.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's
89 now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small
country.
I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
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Important Diet Tips
If no one sees you eat it – it has
no
calories.
If you drink a diet soda with a
candy
bar they cancel each other out.
When eating with someone else,
calories
don’t count if you both eat the same amount.
Food used for medicinal purposes
never
counts such as: hot chocolate, brandy, toast, Sara Lee Cheese Cake.
If you fatten up everyone else
around
you. Then you will look thinner.
Movie related foods such as Milk
Duds,
popcorn with butter, Junior Mints and re licorice don’t count because
they
are simply part of the entire entertainment experience.
Cookie pieces contain no calories.
The
process of breakage causes caloric leakage.
Things licked off knives and spoons
have
no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.
Example:
Spinach & Pistachio Ice Cream, Mushrooms & Mashed Potatoes.
Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other
food
color.
Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to
gravity.
Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the
calories
rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate.
(We
all know how calories like to cling!)