How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free.

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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

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Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You
order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish
you had ordered that.

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At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

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After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I
married you."
She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

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A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted." Next day she
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
mine."

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The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother and said, "I've found a
man just like father!"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

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When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her
keep him.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

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Young Son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know
his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

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A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire."

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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
A Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

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If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you
say, talk in your sleep.

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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.

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During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn
to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid."
The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make
love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."

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Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?

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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once.

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Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

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First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."